Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] When your partner asks, did you come? And you did not, are you able to tell them the truth?
[00:00:08] Unfortunately, the majority of women are unable to respond with are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt your ego?
[00:00:19] And that's the problem.
[00:00:21] The state of a couple's sexual experience would be in a much different place if women felt confident enough to tell the truth. And this is a big reason millions, maybe billions of women learn to fake orgasm.
[00:00:40] Men and women deserve so much better.
[00:00:43] So if you currently fake orgasms sometimes or a lot, you and I are going to discuss three practical ways to climb out of this faking it hellhole. Hi, I'm Dr. Trina Reid, sexologist. It's taken me 25 years to understand why women in long term relationships lose interest in sex. The Pursuit of Pleasure podcast tells you why and more important, how those same women can be excited to have sex.
[00:01:14] Please subscribe to my YouTube channel and check out my free masterclass workbook and video so let's start at the start. What is faking orgasm and why do women do it? Dr. Laurie Mintz, author of Becoming Clitorate, wrote, studies find that between 53 and 85% of women say they faked an orgasm. They primarily fake during intercourse. Reasons given are to protect their partner's ego because they're bored or they want sex to end.
[00:01:46] So the technical term for faking is spectatoring, which is watching yourself have sex. You evaluate the way your body looks and scrutinize your sexual performance as good or bad.
[00:02:00] You give your partner the impression you're enjoying yourself when in fact you're disengaged from the sexual experience.
[00:02:07] Here's the important part.
[00:02:10] The longer a woman is a spectator, the more detached she becomes from her pleasure and her body's sexual arousal. And if this goes on long enough, she can stop orgasming. Unfortunately, faking orgasm is baked into our society's normal It's a punchline in everyday mainstream culture. For example, in the movie When Harry Met Sally, there was the infamous line, I'll have what she's having. There is something fundamentally wrong when a woman pretending to enjoy her pleasure is a normalized child joke. Yet this is a really tricky subject and I wrote about it in my self help fiction book the Sex Course. The links are in the description if you want to buy a copy. Thank you very much. One of the characters, Claire, fakes her orgasm because she feels sexually inadequate and she does not know how to tell her boyfriend that what he's doing does not work for her. Sound familiar.
[00:03:13] It was really hard to write this story arc of her faking and then learning how to stop faking in a realistic way. And I did it to show women how to stop faking orgasm when you're super busy and don't know how to. So please check out that book let's get into why Women Fake Orgasm so sex therapist Dr. Laura Berman goes into four reasons why women fake orgasm. Reason number one is she may offer a mercy fake when her partner is invested in getting her to orgasm or or sex won't end until she gets there. Reason number two is she does not know how to orgasm. She hasn't learned what works for her. So orgasm is sporadic and random when her partner touches her in the right way, but she has no idea what she likes or how to ask for it. Reason number three is she knows how to orgasm but is too self conscious or inhibited to ask for for what she wants.
[00:04:13] And reason number four is she feels shame for not being able to orgasm and is scared her partner will reject her. Ladies, it's time to stop teaching your partner what does not work for you while simultaneously building up resentment about making sure your partner's sexual pleasure is met. This is a toxic combination that's guaranteed to have you avoiding sex.
[00:04:40] You don't want that and your partner certainly doesn't want you pretending to enjoy yourself.
[00:04:46] So what can you do? So I'm going to recommend two tools and then we're going to go through an exercise. Now the first thing might seem a little obvious, but it's to make sure she's getting the right kind of stimulation.
[00:05:02] One of the biggest questions women are still asking today is why can't I orgasm during intercourse?
[00:05:11] Let me tell you so research shows that only 18% of women will experience an orgasm from penetration alone. That means the majority of women, 82%, need some form of clitoral stimulation during intercourse in order to achieve orgasm. If the intercourse part of sex does not include clitoral stimulation, it becomes the waiting it out period where she grows bored and starts to fake to get the sex over with.
[00:05:40] So adding clitoral stimulation during intercourse is easy and straightforward. She can help herself or he can stimulate her clit, but if you both want to fully immerse yourself in your pleasure, you need a hands free option.
[00:05:56] Look no further than the We Vibe sync, which won the 2024 Cosmopolitan Loves Award and you can watch my video to find out more. The second thing to help women stop faking orgasm is for both of you to learn and discuss what brings her pleasure. Unfortunately, most women do not know how to ask or even what brings her pleasure. Luckily, the OMG yes website lifts the veil on women's sexual pleasure and should be required viewing for every single couple.
[00:06:33] This is an instructional and interactive resource that discusses and demonstrates real life techniques that bring women pleasure. Now your first thought might be what can my partner and I possibly learn from this that we haven't already figured out? Or you might believe that although this is a good resource and mildly interesting, ultimately it would be a waste of your time and money.
[00:06:59] My response to that is you have no idea.
[00:07:03] I would be astonished if you already knew all the information on how to bring women pleasure contained on this website.
[00:07:11] If you are serious about your partner being completely sexually satisfied, you need to pay the tiny one time fee. Then do a deep dive and throw everything into learning this information. And if this interests you, please watch my OMG YES video on this to find out more. So number three on my list for helping women overcome faking orgasm. Although the WE Vibe, Sync and OMG YES are extremely helpful tools, faking orgasm can become a difficult habit to break. So I'm going to walk you through how to stop faking your orgasm exercise. The first part is becoming aware of your faking habits and the second part is how to get back into your body's arousal. So part number one is think about when you're having sex and you transition from participating to being a spectator.
[00:08:06] Now narrate your behavior as if you're describing a character in a play. Jane is laying in bed. She is not turned on but doesn't know how to tell her partner. The way her partner is stimulating her clitoris does not feel good, but instead of saying something, she pretends to enjoy it.
[00:08:26] Or Jane's partner is thrusting and she is bored but puts on an Academy Award winning performance to get the sex over with quickly. So when you do this narration you notice your faking patterns in real time and often seeing yourself from the outside can lead to an instant breakthrough. So part two of this exercise is to rewrite this into something that you want.
[00:08:51] For example, the next part of your story could be Jane tells her partner how to stimulate her clitoris in a way that feels good to her. Or Jane tells her partner she needs clitoral stimulation, not just thrusting to orgasm during intercourse. Full disclosure, there will be some awkwardness when you stop performing, so when you do something to change your faking orgasm, you need to celebrate your achievement.
[00:09:23] That positive reinforcement reprograms your brain's response to sex.
[00:09:28] You're no longer faking and it's a freaking big deal. Bottom line, you and your partner deserve so much more than resentfully waiting sex out, pretending to enjoy yourself and being grateful when it's done. You need to relearn how to feel your body's pleasure and it takes the two of you figuring it out to together. The excellent news is that the WE Vibe Sync and the OMG yes website make this straightforward by focusing on and discussing her pleasure and with the We Vibe Sync she can consistently orgasm during intercourse. And please remember all sex feels infinitely better with the award winning XNS water based lubricant.
[00:10:18] Please use my affiliate links in the description. It doesn't cost you any extra and helps support my work.
[00:10:24] When you make her pleasure a priority. I promise you she will not need to fake ever again and sex will become a lot more fun for the both of you. I'd love to hear your thoughts and comments on Breaking Free from the Faking It Hellhole. Please check out my free Sex Boot Camp masterclass workbook and video and thank you for liking and subscribing to my YouTube channel. Your support helps grow women's sexual pleasure because even though your sex life will never be perfect, you can create a sex life that is perfect for you because you deserve a deep, soul quenching, mind blowing sex life.
