Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] Why do you have sex?
[00:00:02] Do you have sex because it makes you feel good and you want to? Or do you have sex because your partner wants it?
[00:00:10] Hi, I'm Dr. Trina Reid, sexologist. Thank you for subscribing to my YouTube channel. And if you want to have a deep, soul quenching, mind blowing sex life, please check out my free Sex Boot Camp masterclass workbook and video links are in the Description Something women are not allowed to discuss is how sex goes from something that makes her feel good to something that makes her feel bad, making her apathetic about sex.
[00:00:41] A common refrain women in long term relationships say is what's the point of having sex when there's little or nothing in it for me?
[00:00:51] Because it's easier to see things in other people than it is in ourselves. Let's go through a real life example. Her name is Stacy to help you understand.
[00:01:02] Stacy is 35, happily married, the mother of two toddlers, and the owner of a successful graphic design business.
[00:01:10] Her sex life reads like that of every busy couple. Sex was great and effortless when they first met, but then it started to wane after the first year. Still, it was good and regular enough until the kids came along. Stacy went through a few post birthing complications and managed to get her kids out of diapers while still maintaining her marriage and her business.
[00:01:37] But now Stacy is floundering to get her sex life back on track. Because Stacy understands the importance of sex and wants that couple intimacy yet. And this is the important part, her body doesn't cooperate during sex. Stacy is experiencing the extremely common but not very well known desire discrepancy.
[00:02:04] That is a delay in her body's ability to become aroused. FYI, this delay or lag in her desire changes everything about her sexual experience.
[00:02:19] This is the transition where sex goes from something that makes Stacy feel good to something that makes her feel bad.
[00:02:28] You see, out of desperation, Stacy, like millions of women, start to have guilt sex to keep her husband happy.
[00:02:38] Then Stacy starts to frame sex as a wifely duty, an obligation, a chore that has nothing to do with her sexual needs being being met.
[00:02:49] When this shift happened, Stacy was not given a manual on how to respect her desire discrepancy and evolve her sexual experience.
[00:02:58] So she pressed on and went with what she knew orgasm focused, she comes first sex.
[00:03:06] Stacy did not feel comfortable or confident enough to discuss her changing needs with her husband.
[00:03:15] The millions of women like Stacy never ask for more because she doesn't know how. She doesn't feel like she deserves it. She feels it's too much work or she just doesn't know what she wants. And this makes sense because there is not a lot of reliable information to help Stacy and millions of women understand why she is sexually unhappy.
[00:03:39] In fact, there's a massive disconnect between the way sex is portrayed in the media and what actually happens behind closed doors, which gives men and women a distorted view of what women want sexually.
[00:03:54] A lot of women compare what she sees in the media and are confused because having an orgasm is supposed to make her feel sexually satisfied.
[00:04:04] And you can watch my other videos to find out why the majority of women become apathetic about orgasm. Focused Sexual Although Stacy can orgasm, she sometimes does, but mostly does not.
[00:04:17] Why is that?
[00:04:19] Typically at the initiation of sex, Stacy's mind is going 90 miles an hour.
[00:04:25] By the time she starts to relax and move from her head and into her body, the sex is over.
[00:04:32] Stacy, like the majority of women in long term relationships, is experiencing a delayed sexual response, meaning she will not feel like sex when it's initiated.
[00:04:44] And in fact, it will take time to kick start her sexual arousal. And in the she Comes first orgasm model, she's got one shot to fit her orgasm in, but her body cannot produce an orgasm on command in that time frame. Stacy really loves her husband and wants her marriage to work, but hates her sex life.
[00:05:08] So what can she do? Stacy's responsive desire is the key to her getting her sexual mojo back. Meaning when sex is initiated, she needs to appreciate that it's going to take a moment to feel any kind of desire to help jumpstart her desire. She needs to put her responsive desire into action, meaning she needs to put her body into the motions of sex to help her arousal catch up.
[00:05:39] Now Stacy's responsive desire needs to be a team effort for Stacy to be more sexually engaged. She and her husband need to create a space for sensuality, not just orgasm and intercourse, to create what Dr. Ian Kerner calls erotic threads, a simmering of anticipation.
[00:06:01] Now if you don't know what to do or how to start, my best advice is to focus on non sexual touch, meaning touch that does not lead to sex. And an easy way to do this is to give each other a massage.
[00:06:16] Xense has a beautiful line of aromatherapy massage oils that I highly recommend.
[00:06:23] In fact, the entire Xends product line is gorgeous.
[00:06:28] Their aromatherapy massage oils are light, absorbent and delicately scented. Perfect for a relaxing simmering in anticipation sensual massage the Xsense aromatherapy massage oils also make great body oils and ladies use these oils to get into the good habit of nurturing your sensuality, taking care of yourself, moisturizing your skin with lovely scented oil and luxuriating in that moment will help you get back in touch with with your body. Please check out the entire luxurious XNS sensual product line, go to the Xsens website and use the coupon code sensuality to get 20% off. And here's my pro massaging tip.
[00:07:22] Sometimes women want a massage that does not lead to sex.
[00:07:27] In fact, many women avoid having massages because they don't like the obligation of having intercourse afterward.
[00:07:36] Obviously, women's delayed sexual desire and arousal won't magically turn around with one aromatherapy massage, but it's a good start.
[00:07:48] Bottom line, women should feel empowered in their relationship to ask for her sensual needs to be met and this takes the two of you figuring it out together. And the very good news is when you mix your sex with sensuality, it open a new soulful and connected sexual experience and suddenly sex becomes a lot more fun for both of you.
[00:08:15] I'd love to hear your thoughts and comments on mixing sensuality and sex.
[00:08:22] Please check out my free Sex Boot Camp masterclass workbook and video. The links will be in the description. Thank you for liking and subscribing. Your support helps grow women's sexual pleasure because you deserve a deep, soul quenching, mind blowing sex life.
